27 November 2009
i think i have lost my direction...i can't focus on what i want,i dont even know who i am ...be it job or personal matters...i m confused...
on job, should i fight back or should i just focus on what i should do?am i happy with what i have now?
on personal, will i ever trust any guy or anyone again?will i become a bitch?or will i still stay faithful?
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
on my birthday....
15th oct 2009
time fades away so quickly....i miss last year's today when my good frens celebrated my birthday for me and he called me all the way from china....i still miss him alot, every single day..n i m so silly to hope that he will give me a birthday wish..this is my first and ever lonely birthday,a birthday i need to spend with myself alone with tears...
time fades away so quickly....i miss last year's today when my good frens celebrated my birthday for me and he called me all the way from china....i still miss him alot, every single day..n i m so silly to hope that he will give me a birthday wish..this is my first and ever lonely birthday,a birthday i need to spend with myself alone with tears...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
it's been a long long time....
Baby,
I am so sorry that I have not been an understanding girl all this while. I tried, every day, every single moment to trust in you, to understand why you are doing what you are doing, but there are just times when I found it is hard. You said you are not a guy of words but actions, somehow the way u treated me makes me feel bad. You don’t reply my sms, you don’t return my calls, and sometimes just ignore me. Of course I hope this is because you can be who you are in front of me, you don’t have to pretend that you are fine. But on the other hand, I am just so afraid that it is because you are tired of me, no longer love or like me, and that is why you chose to use this way to leave me gradually, silently.
I feel threatened. I don’t know if there is someone else out there who will go through this hard time with you, and she will become so meaningful and important to you. If this is the case, then I really don’t know what I am doing right here right now. The reason why I still want to text you even you don’t reply is because I am afraid there will be a gap between us if we just don’t keep in touch at all. Then everything will just end like that. And I do not even dare to mention all this to you because I think you don’t know what you want to do with me also. Like the other time you said I think too much but then the second day you asked for a break, which brought us to the situation we are in now. That is why I have no courage at all to tell you how I feel again, every time when I provoke some issue, that is when you realize what you want, which is not so good to me.
I do not know why I have to think of you every day. And I hate when it comes to night when it symbolize a new day is coming soon. When it comes to Friday, I hate it more to know that you won’t be in town but in KL. I am sorry every time I have to mention it again because she was or is someone meaningful to you and she is there in KL. And what happened really can’t get out of my mind till now. This is why I said sometimes I find it hard to trust in you. Also this is the reason why in one of my sms to you I said it is ok if what you are doing hurts me, because a wounded heart can heal, but please do not break my heart, because a broken heart cannot be mend again.
I am so sorry that I have not been an understanding girl all this while. I tried, every day, every single moment to trust in you, to understand why you are doing what you are doing, but there are just times when I found it is hard. You said you are not a guy of words but actions, somehow the way u treated me makes me feel bad. You don’t reply my sms, you don’t return my calls, and sometimes just ignore me. Of course I hope this is because you can be who you are in front of me, you don’t have to pretend that you are fine. But on the other hand, I am just so afraid that it is because you are tired of me, no longer love or like me, and that is why you chose to use this way to leave me gradually, silently.
I feel threatened. I don’t know if there is someone else out there who will go through this hard time with you, and she will become so meaningful and important to you. If this is the case, then I really don’t know what I am doing right here right now. The reason why I still want to text you even you don’t reply is because I am afraid there will be a gap between us if we just don’t keep in touch at all. Then everything will just end like that. And I do not even dare to mention all this to you because I think you don’t know what you want to do with me also. Like the other time you said I think too much but then the second day you asked for a break, which brought us to the situation we are in now. That is why I have no courage at all to tell you how I feel again, every time when I provoke some issue, that is when you realize what you want, which is not so good to me.
I do not know why I have to think of you every day. And I hate when it comes to night when it symbolize a new day is coming soon. When it comes to Friday, I hate it more to know that you won’t be in town but in KL. I am sorry every time I have to mention it again because she was or is someone meaningful to you and she is there in KL. And what happened really can’t get out of my mind till now. This is why I said sometimes I find it hard to trust in you. Also this is the reason why in one of my sms to you I said it is ok if what you are doing hurts me, because a wounded heart can heal, but please do not break my heart, because a broken heart cannot be mend again.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
never ending.....
19th april 2009
i thought things will be fine, i thought everythg is over....but i guess it is not as easy as i thk...only if he cares abt me...he wouldn't do this to me....but when he said "this includes my mom also"...i was thinking things are not as bad as it is seen...
maybe i really dun understand him that well yet...sometimes from what he said i am not sure if he means dun wanna be with me or is it really just a break...like a recess time, when later on will get back to the class....but the class will end eventually...i hope it will be a good 1.......mei mei cant understand y i can still go out with him wen sth like that happened,honestly, i dun know y too...but the feeling in me is so strong that it is telling me he will be the right 1...i just need to have faith...
i thought things will be fine, i thought everythg is over....but i guess it is not as easy as i thk...only if he cares abt me...he wouldn't do this to me....but when he said "this includes my mom also"...i was thinking things are not as bad as it is seen...
maybe i really dun understand him that well yet...sometimes from what he said i am not sure if he means dun wanna be with me or is it really just a break...like a recess time, when later on will get back to the class....but the class will end eventually...i hope it will be a good 1.......mei mei cant understand y i can still go out with him wen sth like that happened,honestly, i dun know y too...but the feeling in me is so strong that it is telling me he will be the right 1...i just need to have faith...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
i trust in you..........
15th april 2009
We had a small quarrel about why you still go out with jeff for a drink and never take me out..then I asked you to drop by because I can’t concentrate on my studies. And then u came by…u said that it is not because u dun wanna talk to me but u were so stressed out that you dun wanna say something wrong when u are not in a good mood cause u dun wanna hurt me…and u said it is not that I am not important to u..
Also, we talked abt I am not sure if u are still having other affair which is the only thg I thk is unfair to me, and I am not sure if u have solved ur problems or are u still trying very hard to solve it…and u said u ard solved everythg…and that makes me feel relieve..n I hope they will never come bk again.
Monday, April 13, 2009
we need a break........
14th april 2009
we had a small fight yesterday...u said u need a break,we need a break...and i asked u if u are talking abt a break up but u said no...u just need some time to be alone till everythg is settled...i was scared..because everythg is so similar to my past...the only different thg is that the position i am in..i ws the 1 who told my ex that i need a break....then we got bk tgt....then ended up i need a break up..i am afraid the same will happen to us.....
sometimes i wish we could go bk to the time when we just met....i miss the time when we were just frens....i miss u hugging me to slp........i miss the way u kissed me....most importantly, i miss u so much.....but i thk life will still need to go on....with or without u.....afterall i know i am not that important to u.......
we had a small fight yesterday...u said u need a break,we need a break...and i asked u if u are talking abt a break up but u said no...u just need some time to be alone till everythg is settled...i was scared..because everythg is so similar to my past...the only different thg is that the position i am in..i ws the 1 who told my ex that i need a break....then we got bk tgt....then ended up i need a break up..i am afraid the same will happen to us.....
sometimes i wish we could go bk to the time when we just met....i miss the time when we were just frens....i miss u hugging me to slp........i miss the way u kissed me....most importantly, i miss u so much.....but i thk life will still need to go on....with or without u.....afterall i know i am not that important to u.......
Friday, April 10, 2009
are we just frens?
10th april 2009
i have been waiting for 10 days to see you...everyday sitting down in the room hoping that you will ask me out but these anticipations weren't turn out to be sweet ones.
as soon as we are going to meet tomolo, i have a very weird feeling in me...i feel like u are treating me just like a normal friend of urs....everytime when i m waiting and hoping to see you soon again, the feeling is different from this time.
you never know until u try, that is what i always tell people and myself and in fact it is very true...i always want a guy like you...until i have you nw, i know how hard it is for me....
i have been waiting for 10 days to see you...everyday sitting down in the room hoping that you will ask me out but these anticipations weren't turn out to be sweet ones.
as soon as we are going to meet tomolo, i have a very weird feeling in me...i feel like u are treating me just like a normal friend of urs....everytime when i m waiting and hoping to see you soon again, the feeling is different from this time.
you never know until u try, that is what i always tell people and myself and in fact it is very true...i always want a guy like you...until i have you nw, i know how hard it is for me....
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
shall i go on with u..?
7th april 2009
sometimes u just make me feels like i am an idiot...i have always been sitting in the room,hoping that u will ask me out,for dinner or just to see me for awhile but none of these happen since before you went to bangkok. i feel really insecure, not only thinking that u are with other gals but there might be a possibility that u dun like me, dun wanna see me, dun miss me, dun love me and dun wanna be with me...
when u said u cant make it to meet me today becoz u are going to have a live conference with the seller in US, i dun know, u could have known abt the conference earlier, i dun thk so u got to know that in the last minute as before that US is night time,u said here 8pm means there abt 9am...then u said "friday lo...friday u can come over then relax b4 ur exam...or u wanna go somewhere else" the way u said it sounds pretty much like u are pitying me,n hence u spare me some time...i can no longer differentiate when u are treating me sincerely...when u really wanna be with me..i just dun know how...dun know what to do now as i m in love with some1 whomm i think he doesnt really love me nor wanna be with me.....
sometimes u just make me feels like i am an idiot...i have always been sitting in the room,hoping that u will ask me out,for dinner or just to see me for awhile but none of these happen since before you went to bangkok. i feel really insecure, not only thinking that u are with other gals but there might be a possibility that u dun like me, dun wanna see me, dun miss me, dun love me and dun wanna be with me...
when u said u cant make it to meet me today becoz u are going to have a live conference with the seller in US, i dun know, u could have known abt the conference earlier, i dun thk so u got to know that in the last minute as before that US is night time,u said here 8pm means there abt 9am...then u said "friday lo...friday u can come over then relax b4 ur exam...or u wanna go somewhere else" the way u said it sounds pretty much like u are pitying me,n hence u spare me some time...i can no longer differentiate when u are treating me sincerely...when u really wanna be with me..i just dun know how...dun know what to do now as i m in love with some1 whomm i think he doesnt really love me nor wanna be with me.....
Thursday, April 2, 2009
......
03 april 2009
Why would I ask u “do u really love me”? besides u never tell me before, of course, there are a few reasons why.
1. Remember u were in gurney with jeff?i said I wanna join u then u said u all were about to leave. And when I said I really wanna join you n I m at chili’s, u sound abit weird instead of saying sth like “come find me” or “where are you”. But u said “u are in chili’s?”…sounds like u very scare wanna let ppl c me
2. U were having gathering with ur ex colleagues in queensbay. I was there too, but u din say maybe we can meet up or sth like that. Again u make me feel like u dun wanna let ur frens meet me.
Though you always said y I wanna thk so far, when thgs come, they come. But if I never say I wanna join u when u are with ur frens, what if someday we really meet ur frens accidentally?at least now u will realize that if u really want all these thgs to come.
My frens will tease me like “are u going out with ur photographer” or “u got bf d” n blab la bla which pretty much sounds like in ppl’s perception, couples are meant to be tgt most of the time. I dun know but I m sure this is not what is going to happen to us….u might tell me that I am with a 33 year old man n I need to grow up quickly. Yes…I try, but u need to also work ths out with me…do ur frens intro their gf to u? or are they just like u?
Everytime I need to find reason to tell myself that nth’s wrong, we still have our own life, we still need frens and I dun want u to feel that after having me u dun have frens n thgs like that.but then it all makes me feels as though I come after ur career, family, ur privacy, ur frens n I m the last…always the very last….like I always am…
Why would I ask u “do u really love me”? besides u never tell me before, of course, there are a few reasons why.
1. Remember u were in gurney with jeff?i said I wanna join u then u said u all were about to leave. And when I said I really wanna join you n I m at chili’s, u sound abit weird instead of saying sth like “come find me” or “where are you”. But u said “u are in chili’s?”…sounds like u very scare wanna let ppl c me
2. U were having gathering with ur ex colleagues in queensbay. I was there too, but u din say maybe we can meet up or sth like that. Again u make me feel like u dun wanna let ur frens meet me.
Though you always said y I wanna thk so far, when thgs come, they come. But if I never say I wanna join u when u are with ur frens, what if someday we really meet ur frens accidentally?at least now u will realize that if u really want all these thgs to come.
My frens will tease me like “are u going out with ur photographer” or “u got bf d” n blab la bla which pretty much sounds like in ppl’s perception, couples are meant to be tgt most of the time. I dun know but I m sure this is not what is going to happen to us….u might tell me that I am with a 33 year old man n I need to grow up quickly. Yes…I try, but u need to also work ths out with me…do ur frens intro their gf to u? or are they just like u?
Everytime I need to find reason to tell myself that nth’s wrong, we still have our own life, we still need frens and I dun want u to feel that after having me u dun have frens n thgs like that.but then it all makes me feels as though I come after ur career, family, ur privacy, ur frens n I m the last…always the very last….like I always am…
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
never again
24th march 2009
the other day u remembered me with another gal by mistake, and it really feels sucks...u said it would be silly to thk so but back then i am the 1 who is feeling so and not u......looks like i m not so important to u as i thk i m, especially when u mentioned there are still many guys out there...as if i can leave u anytime without u feeling sad or sth...if there is a favor i could ask of ,please dun treat me like this....please dun break me heart again...
the other day u remembered me with another gal by mistake, and it really feels sucks...u said it would be silly to thk so but back then i am the 1 who is feeling so and not u......looks like i m not so important to u as i thk i m, especially when u mentioned there are still many guys out there...as if i can leave u anytime without u feeling sad or sth...if there is a favor i could ask of ,please dun treat me like this....please dun break me heart again...
Friday, March 13, 2009
the mail....
14th march 2009
"我亲爱的，没有在这个世界上，我可以感觉更舒服，那么你。无论发生什么事情，从现在开始，让刚刚离开的时间，使我们的命运。像我以前说的，太多的期待只会破坏我们现在，这样可以让刚刚集中为我们现在，我认为我们将罚款。爱你的婴儿。"
this is what he replied to my mail...he said instead of "penalty", should be "alright".....i dun know, i said i wanna learn it his way, but i still thk alot, i still look into and hope for the future...looks like i m making thing going too fast again...please, someone please stop me from that....i dun wanna be like this
"我亲爱的，没有在这个世界上，我可以感觉更舒服，那么你。无论发生什么事情，从现在开始，让刚刚离开的时间，使我们的命运。像我以前说的，太多的期待只会破坏我们现在，这样可以让刚刚集中为我们现在，我认为我们将罚款。爱你的婴儿。"
this is what he replied to my mail...he said instead of "penalty", should be "alright".....i dun know, i said i wanna learn it his way, but i still thk alot, i still look into and hope for the future...looks like i m making thing going too fast again...please, someone please stop me from that....i dun wanna be like this
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
another weekends.....
09 march 2009
On the 6th march 2009 you went to the prom night with me…and for the first time I introduced you to my friends as my boyfriend, I am not sure if that is what you want and comfortable with but looks like all my course mates knew already.
Then on the 7th march 2009, you took me to ipoh, we bumped into your mum’s friend and he said “ you got girlfriend already…”. And you answered me “so what” when I said to u “oh, we are spotted”….i am not sure what is that suppose to mean again. In the evening, you too me to the church for a mass…you were holding my hand all the while, from the beginning till the end, I felt that you are trying to make me feel comfortable with the environment there as u told me before you were not sure if I will feel comfortable if I were to go to church with you. When we were on our way back from ipoh to penang, we were chatting in the car and u told me there is this place where we call “the end of the world” as we can see the sun set into the water…then I said “so someday u take me there ok?” and u answered me “sure will have the chance one, don’t worry”….and from now onwards, I pray that this dream will come true…
Yesterday nite when we were sleeping, once again u cuddled me from the back, which made me feel so sweet…no reason why, it is how I feel…thank you so much for giving me such a good weekends honey.
On the 6th march 2009 you went to the prom night with me…and for the first time I introduced you to my friends as my boyfriend, I am not sure if that is what you want and comfortable with but looks like all my course mates knew already.
Then on the 7th march 2009, you took me to ipoh, we bumped into your mum’s friend and he said “ you got girlfriend already…”. And you answered me “so what” when I said to u “oh, we are spotted”….i am not sure what is that suppose to mean again. In the evening, you too me to the church for a mass…you were holding my hand all the while, from the beginning till the end, I felt that you are trying to make me feel comfortable with the environment there as u told me before you were not sure if I will feel comfortable if I were to go to church with you. When we were on our way back from ipoh to penang, we were chatting in the car and u told me there is this place where we call “the end of the world” as we can see the sun set into the water…then I said “so someday u take me there ok?” and u answered me “sure will have the chance one, don’t worry”….and from now onwards, I pray that this dream will come true…
Yesterday nite when we were sleeping, once again u cuddled me from the back, which made me feel so sweet…no reason why, it is how I feel…thank you so much for giving me such a good weekends honey.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
deeply in love
4th march 2009
i hate to know that u are out for a movie with other people....i rather u dun tell me...i dun mean u cant go with other people, i understand all the things...we have our own frens and own life still...n i do go out with my fren to watch movie as well...maybe all these while u are always with me...and maybe i m too afraid to think of u will be with other gal....well,thinking twice, at least u are not hiding away from me that u are out for a movie with fren(s)...
this is the 2nd fren who told me that i m too deeply in love with u...y is this the case?y must i be the 1 to thk so much and suffer?i tried not to but i just cant help....
i hate to know that u are out for a movie with other people....i rather u dun tell me...i dun mean u cant go with other people, i understand all the things...we have our own frens and own life still...n i do go out with my fren to watch movie as well...maybe all these while u are always with me...and maybe i m too afraid to think of u will be with other gal....well,thinking twice, at least u are not hiding away from me that u are out for a movie with fren(s)...
this is the 2nd fren who told me that i m too deeply in love with u...y is this the case?y must i be the 1 to thk so much and suffer?i tried not to but i just cant help....
Sunday, March 1, 2009
emotional.....
2nd March 2009
yesterday before we met up i was not so in a mood...dun know why, when i am with u, i become very happy...to me, we had a good day yesterday...and this morning when we chat, u said "that means no time for me loh this weekend.." ..i felt happy again....coz at least u are like me, will at least consider to be with each other over the weekends...actually i also dun know what i wanna say but i just feel sweet... :)
yesterday before we met up i was not so in a mood...dun know why, when i am with u, i become very happy...to me, we had a good day yesterday...and this morning when we chat, u said "that means no time for me loh this weekend.." ..i felt happy again....coz at least u are like me, will at least consider to be with each other over the weekends...actually i also dun know what i wanna say but i just feel sweet... :)
Saturday, February 28, 2009
learn to be.............
1st march 2009
we have been together for about four months? what do we know about each other? i know that when i am with you or if i wanna be with you i need to learn :
1. to be silent, which is not to ask questions which i am not supposed to ask, though sometimes i am dying to know
2. to be patient, which means i am not supposed to disturb you, but to wait for your calls or sms, even if you are not going to call or sms me again, all i can ever do is to wait patiently.
3. to be tough, which is to accept whatsoever you are doing outside, i need to be tough even if i am going to find out it is something which is going to hurt myself.
4. to be realistic, which means i must not have to many imaginations and anticipation, cause you told me to not to look into the future, so i can only keep everything i hope to myself.
5. to be pretentious to myself, which is i cannot show you any face or tell you something which i dun like, even if i dun like, i need to ask myself not to be emotional again
6. to be always ready, which means i dun know when again anything is going to happen, for every single thing i am going to do and every single move i am going to take, i need to have hundreds of unknown possibilities, prepare for the worst and accept whatever is predicted.
there are so many things i can learn, but not one thing, which is not to cry...you just do not know how many tears i had before whenever i feel insecure as i thought of what happened and when i think of her...i guess i really love you, or like u very much that i am doing all these so that u wil still be with me...
we have been together for about four months? what do we know about each other? i know that when i am with you or if i wanna be with you i need to learn :
1. to be silent, which is not to ask questions which i am not supposed to ask, though sometimes i am dying to know
2. to be patient, which means i am not supposed to disturb you, but to wait for your calls or sms, even if you are not going to call or sms me again, all i can ever do is to wait patiently.
3. to be tough, which is to accept whatsoever you are doing outside, i need to be tough even if i am going to find out it is something which is going to hurt myself.
4. to be realistic, which means i must not have to many imaginations and anticipation, cause you told me to not to look into the future, so i can only keep everything i hope to myself.
5. to be pretentious to myself, which is i cannot show you any face or tell you something which i dun like, even if i dun like, i need to ask myself not to be emotional again
6. to be always ready, which means i dun know when again anything is going to happen, for every single thing i am going to do and every single move i am going to take, i need to have hundreds of unknown possibilities, prepare for the worst and accept whatever is predicted.
there are so many things i can learn, but not one thing, which is not to cry...you just do not know how many tears i had before whenever i feel insecure as i thought of what happened and when i think of her...i guess i really love you, or like u very much that i am doing all these so that u wil still be with me...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
their photos........
25th feb 2009
now i know that i cant think of her...coz all the time when i thought of her....i will had a nightmare....after he told me that he will be going to kl for meeting...the first thing that came to my mind was her....that he will be meeting her...then at night i dreamt of i saw their pictures....and the pictures look very much like wedding photo as he was in his coat and she was in a gown.....and she wrote something somewhere....which made me thk that he is now with me coz she gave us a chance...she wrote sth like "have u ever thought of the little sis" or sth like that which was referring to me....
i never doubt that he is going for a meeting....but what i am afraid of and worry about is he will be staying there over the weekend and will be with her....or maybe he will be meeting her after his meeting....i really dun feel good....but i have to give him time....what more he still has his freedom...
now i know that i cant think of her...coz all the time when i thought of her....i will had a nightmare....after he told me that he will be going to kl for meeting...the first thing that came to my mind was her....that he will be meeting her...then at night i dreamt of i saw their pictures....and the pictures look very much like wedding photo as he was in his coat and she was in a gown.....and she wrote something somewhere....which made me thk that he is now with me coz she gave us a chance...she wrote sth like "have u ever thought of the little sis" or sth like that which was referring to me....
i never doubt that he is going for a meeting....but what i am afraid of and worry about is he will be staying there over the weekend and will be with her....or maybe he will be meeting her after his meeting....i really dun feel good....but i have to give him time....what more he still has his freedom...
finally.......
24th feb 2009
although these days u wont reply my email and write me sweet things or give me any promises, i feel that u are trying ur very best to give me everythg u can and take care of me...and i feel that this time u really wanna give it a try...and i feel really glad...
i felt so sweet when u told me in a very serious ways not to get involve with my cousin brother's gf thg and u kept on emphasized that a few times asking me "know o not"...and u said that when it is something serious u will tell me no matter how u have no voice...sometimes when u start to tell me things which i did not ask u...like the new investors, i just feel happy...coz u are not hiding sth from me....and i also learn that if it is sth u can tell me, u will tell....things that u dun wanna tell me could be either sth i dun have to know and u will take care of it or sth u dun want me to feel bad after knowing....
although these days u wont reply my email and write me sweet things or give me any promises, i feel that u are trying ur very best to give me everythg u can and take care of me...and i feel that this time u really wanna give it a try...and i feel really glad...
i felt so sweet when u told me in a very serious ways not to get involve with my cousin brother's gf thg and u kept on emphasized that a few times asking me "know o not"...and u said that when it is something serious u will tell me no matter how u have no voice...sometimes when u start to tell me things which i did not ask u...like the new investors, i just feel happy...coz u are not hiding sth from me....and i also learn that if it is sth u can tell me, u will tell....things that u dun wanna tell me could be either sth i dun have to know and u will take care of it or sth u dun want me to feel bad after knowing....
Thursday, February 19, 2009
no title
20th february 2009
i have an interview with G hotel later today..i planned to take a bus there but somehow he said he will fetch me there....
everything is going on so fine now..he brought me to hat yai last weekend..which was also on Valentine's Day...i felt so glad...cause at least i know that he wasnt with someone else..i dun need any celebration or any gift from him,i just wanna be with him. and of course, i felt so sweet when he cuddled me in the morning when i was still slping. and a week before that he brought me to buy some clothes to prepare me for internship.
before that incident i want so many things from him, but not right nw,i am afraid that someday we might not be together and i do not want him to have any reason to hate me...he spent a lot of time and money on me which i dun know if it is a good thing.i do not want there is a possibility that i will hurt him so badly that he wouldnt want to love anyone again...
i have an interview with G hotel later today..i planned to take a bus there but somehow he said he will fetch me there....
everything is going on so fine now..he brought me to hat yai last weekend..which was also on Valentine's Day...i felt so glad...cause at least i know that he wasnt with someone else..i dun need any celebration or any gift from him,i just wanna be with him. and of course, i felt so sweet when he cuddled me in the morning when i was still slping. and a week before that he brought me to buy some clothes to prepare me for internship.
before that incident i want so many things from him, but not right nw,i am afraid that someday we might not be together and i do not want him to have any reason to hate me...he spent a lot of time and money on me which i dun know if it is a good thing.i do not want there is a possibility that i will hurt him so badly that he wouldnt want to love anyone again...
speechless
9th february 2009
again and again, i dreamt of them...i was sleeping right next to him, but i dreamt of him answering her call...saying something sweet...i can't remember what but i am so scared...i do not know what can i do...he is so sweet, no doubt he wont buy me what i want but he will buy me what i need....he brought me to Sunway Carnival in Butterworth to do some shopping..he bought me some formal clothes, to prepare me for my internship....he prepared me dinner...but there is 1 thing i dont like, which is everytime when he asks me "what do u wanna eat".....cause that is the thing he told me that made him felt like a routine when he is with me...most of the time i will still feel the shadow of other people, in his car, his couch, his bed, his appartment and his everything.....
again and again, i dreamt of them...i was sleeping right next to him, but i dreamt of him answering her call...saying something sweet...i can't remember what but i am so scared...i do not know what can i do...he is so sweet, no doubt he wont buy me what i want but he will buy me what i need....he brought me to Sunway Carnival in Butterworth to do some shopping..he bought me some formal clothes, to prepare me for my internship....he prepared me dinner...but there is 1 thing i dont like, which is everytime when he asks me "what do u wanna eat".....cause that is the thing he told me that made him felt like a routine when he is with me...most of the time i will still feel the shadow of other people, in his car, his couch, his bed, his appartment and his everything.....
Monday, February 2, 2009
another dream
3rd february 2009
once again, i dreamt of them...in the dream she was coming back from somewhere and he is willing to drive all the way down to KLIA just to pick her up....i cant remember clearly but after that they actually went shoping togerther and he bought her a lot of things...why why why???why do i have to dream of you and her on and off? cant everything just get out of my mind? i can see her clearer in evry dream, and i am so afraid....
once again, i dreamt of them...in the dream she was coming back from somewhere and he is willing to drive all the way down to KLIA just to pick her up....i cant remember clearly but after that they actually went shoping togerther and he bought her a lot of things...why why why???why do i have to dream of you and her on and off? cant everything just get out of my mind? i can see her clearer in evry dream, and i am so afraid....
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
hate hate hate.....
28th january 2009
i hate to feel that i am the simpanan and i shall not hope for anything...i hate that he is the only 1 who can call me and talk to me only when he wants and he can, there is no way i can call him.....even if i call, there is noway we can talk.....i hate that i cant tell him what i feel....i hate that he is so dun care about me when he is back in ipoh.....i hate that i have to convince myself to believe tat he is with some1 else and i have to accept it so that i wont feel so upset....i hate to realize that i am ard puuting in alot of feeling when i told myself not to....!!!!!
i hate to feel that i am the simpanan and i shall not hope for anything...i hate that he is the only 1 who can call me and talk to me only when he wants and he can, there is no way i can call him.....even if i call, there is noway we can talk.....i hate that i cant tell him what i feel....i hate that he is so dun care about me when he is back in ipoh.....i hate that i have to convince myself to believe tat he is with some1 else and i have to accept it so that i wont feel so upset....i hate to realize that i am ard puuting in alot of feeling when i told myself not to....!!!!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
a dream again....
25th jan 2009
it's new year eve...i had a dream last night, i am not sure if this dream was a nightmare or a sweet 1...it was totally bad in the first place, i dreamt of three of us were in his place...she was in the room...then he locked the door where she was in, after that i managed to open up the door n found her lying on the bed in her tower clothes...i can't remember how now but we both hurt ourselves....anyhow he ran to her aid first instead of me..then i asked for a bandage but he did not have anythig for me.....after that it came to a better part of the dream, both of them came out from the room, three of us were in the living room, i was crying and he pulled me close to lean on his shoulder....
it's new year eve...i had a dream last night, i am not sure if this dream was a nightmare or a sweet 1...it was totally bad in the first place, i dreamt of three of us were in his place...she was in the room...then he locked the door where she was in, after that i managed to open up the door n found her lying on the bed in her tower clothes...i can't remember how now but we both hurt ourselves....anyhow he ran to her aid first instead of me..then i asked for a bandage but he did not have anythig for me.....after that it came to a better part of the dream, both of them came out from the room, three of us were in the living room, i was crying and he pulled me close to lean on his shoulder....
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
sad...
20th january 2009
i hate myself....i told myself not to fall so deep for him,not to find me till he finds me first, i told myself not to do so many things so that i wont feel so bad...but what?gradually i am not doing what i say...and it seems like i am asking more from him now which is making everythg become so bad.....why do i let loose myself? y cant i be more diciplined?
i hate myself....i told myself not to fall so deep for him,not to find me till he finds me first, i told myself not to do so many things so that i wont feel so bad...but what?gradually i am not doing what i say...and it seems like i am asking more from him now which is making everythg become so bad.....why do i let loose myself? y cant i be more diciplined?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
......
25th December 2008
Once again, I fall for him. I am not sure is that all what I want and I thought of before I came back to Penang, but there is no clarification between what kind of relationship we are having. I try my very best not to find him first till he finds me, and not to ask anything whenever possible. I do not want him to again feel that he has responsibilities or obligations on me, like he said to me. And I really do not want to make him everything a routine. With this said, I am contradicting myself when I am trying to live a don’t care life while I am with him but then I am so afraid something similar is going to happen for the second time.
I do not know what he wants, I have been watching Sex and the City. So many things there in the movie make me think so much. Sometimes I feel that I am like Carrie, of course not in sex, but someone who wanted Mr Big so much, try not to push him or anything for so afraid of losing him. And when he introduced her to his friend as his girlfriend, the kind sweetness, I know. The only different thing about him and Big is that Big does not promise so many girls at a time that he will take care of them but not with him.
Talking about sex, is that what a man wants? Or at least someone like him wants? And I am so humiliated or feel embarrassed when I do not know what I am supposed to do when I am in the bed with him. Then I will start to think of he and other girls and…….. I just don’t know what I am doing right now. Can I really take everything the way it is when I am with him as I thought I can?
27th December 2008
Am I that needy or what? Is it right for me to still go out with him? When I always have to think more compare to before things happened. I have more worries nowadays. It was still fine with me for the past few days. I told myself not to find him first, not to think of we are couples again. But till now, when he gave me a call, then I suddenly feel so scared. I am scared that I can’t really accept what happened. It is like everything he tells me now is lie, I find it hard to believe. I am so sorry Benji, I always wanted to trust in you but it is just so hard nowadays. Let bygone be bygone is one thing, but whatever happened, they happened and they are the fact.
31st December 2008
Never in my life had I dreamt of a guy so many times, good ones initially, but then, now, looks like all the dreams are bad ones. I dreamt of he had breakfast with me, after that I left. Then I went back again to find that he was cooking and eating happily with her and he chased me out. Why would I dream of something like this? And woke up with my heart aching? I thought I can make it through. I thought my feeling on him is no longer the same. I thought I can take it all. But I guess only the winner will take it all. Sadly speaking, I am the loser.
2nd January 2009
He did not spend the last day of 2008 with me, all that came to my mind or I can tell a person is I am always last in his list. I know he might wanna spend the day with his friend and there is nothing wrong about it, it is just that somehow I will expect something from him. Well, he gave me a call on 1st January 2009, sound like he just woke up, and so he told me that he was still in the bed, I was supposed to feel happy because at least he called me once he woke up, but I had to convince myself to believe in that. For I don’t know if he called anyone before that, or…….whatever, I am just such a fool.
Then we spent the 1st January 2009 together. He bought an electrical barbeque grill and that night he made me some pumpkin, jacket potato, hash brown and garlic bread. I am not sure if I am too sensitive or what, but sometimes I feel that he is trying to make things back to the past, just like before anything happened. He placed our photo and the bottle of stars in his room, he hugged me tightly when we sleep, he calls me everyday……..Or maybe he really wanna make things right this time. I am not sure but I hope so.
Today, he woke up to find that he had to attend a friend’s wedding but he totally forgot about it till his friend called. So we had to cancel our hiking at Pantai Keracut and also the barbeque. I know he really needs to attend a wedding but somehow I will still think that he is with other girl. Why is everything had to turn out to be like this? Last time I am always happy before and after I went out with him, but not now. I will start to think of unnecessary things when I came back. I hate myself and it is indeed suffering.
7th January 2009
I was out with Wayne yesterday, we were chatting and we suddenly talk about partner. I said that every girls hopes to find a good pier to stop by. Then Wayne said no matter how good is the pier, everything will be damaged if there is tsunami.
Wayne is so right. I have to plan for myself, for he is not the one who will settle down. He is not going to be my pier, and even if he is or someone in the future is going to be my pier, I have to plan for myself and count on myself. I still do not know who he is, I still do not understand him deeply. I even doubted does he change girls like he changes cars every two to three years? He owned different cars before, just like he had different girls before. He told me that once he drives BMW, he never feels like changing other cars anymore. Am I his BMW? Or I am just his WAJA? Why would I consider myself as WAJA instead of HONDA? Well, I am not pretty, I did not go through hard time with him before, I am not competent, so what more do I ask of myself? I am just the least important one. At least he hates her so much that she might be the first in his hating list; at least she is still important that he was willing to chase me out because of her.
What are we both trying to do? What are we both doing?
Once again, I fall for him. I am not sure is that all what I want and I thought of before I came back to Penang, but there is no clarification between what kind of relationship we are having. I try my very best not to find him first till he finds me, and not to ask anything whenever possible. I do not want him to again feel that he has responsibilities or obligations on me, like he said to me. And I really do not want to make him everything a routine. With this said, I am contradicting myself when I am trying to live a don’t care life while I am with him but then I am so afraid something similar is going to happen for the second time.
I do not know what he wants, I have been watching Sex and the City. So many things there in the movie make me think so much. Sometimes I feel that I am like Carrie, of course not in sex, but someone who wanted Mr Big so much, try not to push him or anything for so afraid of losing him. And when he introduced her to his friend as his girlfriend, the kind sweetness, I know. The only different thing about him and Big is that Big does not promise so many girls at a time that he will take care of them but not with him.
Talking about sex, is that what a man wants? Or at least someone like him wants? And I am so humiliated or feel embarrassed when I do not know what I am supposed to do when I am in the bed with him. Then I will start to think of he and other girls and…….. I just don’t know what I am doing right now. Can I really take everything the way it is when I am with him as I thought I can?
27th December 2008
Am I that needy or what? Is it right for me to still go out with him? When I always have to think more compare to before things happened. I have more worries nowadays. It was still fine with me for the past few days. I told myself not to find him first, not to think of we are couples again. But till now, when he gave me a call, then I suddenly feel so scared. I am scared that I can’t really accept what happened. It is like everything he tells me now is lie, I find it hard to believe. I am so sorry Benji, I always wanted to trust in you but it is just so hard nowadays. Let bygone be bygone is one thing, but whatever happened, they happened and they are the fact.
31st December 2008
Never in my life had I dreamt of a guy so many times, good ones initially, but then, now, looks like all the dreams are bad ones. I dreamt of he had breakfast with me, after that I left. Then I went back again to find that he was cooking and eating happily with her and he chased me out. Why would I dream of something like this? And woke up with my heart aching? I thought I can make it through. I thought my feeling on him is no longer the same. I thought I can take it all. But I guess only the winner will take it all. Sadly speaking, I am the loser.
2nd January 2009
He did not spend the last day of 2008 with me, all that came to my mind or I can tell a person is I am always last in his list. I know he might wanna spend the day with his friend and there is nothing wrong about it, it is just that somehow I will expect something from him. Well, he gave me a call on 1st January 2009, sound like he just woke up, and so he told me that he was still in the bed, I was supposed to feel happy because at least he called me once he woke up, but I had to convince myself to believe in that. For I don’t know if he called anyone before that, or…….whatever, I am just such a fool.
Then we spent the 1st January 2009 together. He bought an electrical barbeque grill and that night he made me some pumpkin, jacket potato, hash brown and garlic bread. I am not sure if I am too sensitive or what, but sometimes I feel that he is trying to make things back to the past, just like before anything happened. He placed our photo and the bottle of stars in his room, he hugged me tightly when we sleep, he calls me everyday……..Or maybe he really wanna make things right this time. I am not sure but I hope so.
Today, he woke up to find that he had to attend a friend’s wedding but he totally forgot about it till his friend called. So we had to cancel our hiking at Pantai Keracut and also the barbeque. I know he really needs to attend a wedding but somehow I will still think that he is with other girl. Why is everything had to turn out to be like this? Last time I am always happy before and after I went out with him, but not now. I will start to think of unnecessary things when I came back. I hate myself and it is indeed suffering.
7th January 2009
I was out with Wayne yesterday, we were chatting and we suddenly talk about partner. I said that every girls hopes to find a good pier to stop by. Then Wayne said no matter how good is the pier, everything will be damaged if there is tsunami.
Wayne is so right. I have to plan for myself, for he is not the one who will settle down. He is not going to be my pier, and even if he is or someone in the future is going to be my pier, I have to plan for myself and count on myself. I still do not know who he is, I still do not understand him deeply. I even doubted does he change girls like he changes cars every two to three years? He owned different cars before, just like he had different girls before. He told me that once he drives BMW, he never feels like changing other cars anymore. Am I his BMW? Or I am just his WAJA? Why would I consider myself as WAJA instead of HONDA? Well, I am not pretty, I did not go through hard time with him before, I am not competent, so what more do I ask of myself? I am just the least important one. At least he hates her so much that she might be the first in his hating list; at least she is still important that he was willing to chase me out because of her.
What are we both trying to do? What are we both doing?
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