28th january 2009
i hate to feel that i am the simpanan and i shall not hope for anything...i hate that he is the only 1 who can call me and talk to me only when he wants and he can, there is no way i can call him.....even if i call, there is noway we can talk.....i hate that i cant tell him what i feel....i hate that he is so dun care about me when he is back in ipoh.....i hate that i have to convince myself to believe tat he is with some1 else and i have to accept it so that i wont feel so upset....i hate to realize that i am ard puuting in alot of feeling when i told myself not to....!!!!!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
a dream again....
25th jan 2009
it's new year eve...i had a dream last night, i am not sure if this dream was a nightmare or a sweet 1...it was totally bad in the first place, i dreamt of three of us were in his place...she was in the room...then he locked the door where she was in, after that i managed to open up the door n found her lying on the bed in her tower clothes...i can't remember how now but we both hurt ourselves....anyhow he ran to her aid first instead of me..then i asked for a bandage but he did not have anythig for me.....after that it came to a better part of the dream, both of them came out from the room, three of us were in the living room, i was crying and he pulled me close to lean on his shoulder....
it's new year eve...i had a dream last night, i am not sure if this dream was a nightmare or a sweet 1...it was totally bad in the first place, i dreamt of three of us were in his place...she was in the room...then he locked the door where she was in, after that i managed to open up the door n found her lying on the bed in her tower clothes...i can't remember how now but we both hurt ourselves....anyhow he ran to her aid first instead of me..then i asked for a bandage but he did not have anythig for me.....after that it came to a better part of the dream, both of them came out from the room, three of us were in the living room, i was crying and he pulled me close to lean on his shoulder....
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
sad...
20th january 2009
i hate myself....i told myself not to fall so deep for him,not to find me till he finds me first, i told myself not to do so many things so that i wont feel so bad...but what?gradually i am not doing what i say...and it seems like i am asking more from him now which is making everythg become so bad.....why do i let loose myself? y cant i be more diciplined?
i hate myself....i told myself not to fall so deep for him,not to find me till he finds me first, i told myself not to do so many things so that i wont feel so bad...but what?gradually i am not doing what i say...and it seems like i am asking more from him now which is making everythg become so bad.....why do i let loose myself? y cant i be more diciplined?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
......
25th December 2008
Once again, I fall for him. I am not sure is that all what I want and I thought of before I came back to Penang, but there is no clarification between what kind of relationship we are having. I try my very best not to find him first till he finds me, and not to ask anything whenever possible. I do not want him to again feel that he has responsibilities or obligations on me, like he said to me. And I really do not want to make him everything a routine. With this said, I am contradicting myself when I am trying to live a don’t care life while I am with him but then I am so afraid something similar is going to happen for the second time.
I do not know what he wants, I have been watching Sex and the City. So many things there in the movie make me think so much. Sometimes I feel that I am like Carrie, of course not in sex, but someone who wanted Mr Big so much, try not to push him or anything for so afraid of losing him. And when he introduced her to his friend as his girlfriend, the kind sweetness, I know. The only different thing about him and Big is that Big does not promise so many girls at a time that he will take care of them but not with him.
Talking about sex, is that what a man wants? Or at least someone like him wants? And I am so humiliated or feel embarrassed when I do not know what I am supposed to do when I am in the bed with him. Then I will start to think of he and other girls and…….. I just don’t know what I am doing right now. Can I really take everything the way it is when I am with him as I thought I can?
27th December 2008
Am I that needy or what? Is it right for me to still go out with him? When I always have to think more compare to before things happened. I have more worries nowadays. It was still fine with me for the past few days. I told myself not to find him first, not to think of we are couples again. But till now, when he gave me a call, then I suddenly feel so scared. I am scared that I can’t really accept what happened. It is like everything he tells me now is lie, I find it hard to believe. I am so sorry Benji, I always wanted to trust in you but it is just so hard nowadays. Let bygone be bygone is one thing, but whatever happened, they happened and they are the fact.
31st December 2008
Never in my life had I dreamt of a guy so many times, good ones initially, but then, now, looks like all the dreams are bad ones. I dreamt of he had breakfast with me, after that I left. Then I went back again to find that he was cooking and eating happily with her and he chased me out. Why would I dream of something like this? And woke up with my heart aching? I thought I can make it through. I thought my feeling on him is no longer the same. I thought I can take it all. But I guess only the winner will take it all. Sadly speaking, I am the loser.
2nd January 2009
He did not spend the last day of 2008 with me, all that came to my mind or I can tell a person is I am always last in his list. I know he might wanna spend the day with his friend and there is nothing wrong about it, it is just that somehow I will expect something from him. Well, he gave me a call on 1st January 2009, sound like he just woke up, and so he told me that he was still in the bed, I was supposed to feel happy because at least he called me once he woke up, but I had to convince myself to believe in that. For I don’t know if he called anyone before that, or…….whatever, I am just such a fool.
Then we spent the 1st January 2009 together. He bought an electrical barbeque grill and that night he made me some pumpkin, jacket potato, hash brown and garlic bread. I am not sure if I am too sensitive or what, but sometimes I feel that he is trying to make things back to the past, just like before anything happened. He placed our photo and the bottle of stars in his room, he hugged me tightly when we sleep, he calls me everyday……..Or maybe he really wanna make things right this time. I am not sure but I hope so.
Today, he woke up to find that he had to attend a friend’s wedding but he totally forgot about it till his friend called. So we had to cancel our hiking at Pantai Keracut and also the barbeque. I know he really needs to attend a wedding but somehow I will still think that he is with other girl. Why is everything had to turn out to be like this? Last time I am always happy before and after I went out with him, but not now. I will start to think of unnecessary things when I came back. I hate myself and it is indeed suffering.
7th January 2009
I was out with Wayne yesterday, we were chatting and we suddenly talk about partner. I said that every girls hopes to find a good pier to stop by. Then Wayne said no matter how good is the pier, everything will be damaged if there is tsunami.
Wayne is so right. I have to plan for myself, for he is not the one who will settle down. He is not going to be my pier, and even if he is or someone in the future is going to be my pier, I have to plan for myself and count on myself. I still do not know who he is, I still do not understand him deeply. I even doubted does he change girls like he changes cars every two to three years? He owned different cars before, just like he had different girls before. He told me that once he drives BMW, he never feels like changing other cars anymore. Am I his BMW? Or I am just his WAJA? Why would I consider myself as WAJA instead of HONDA? Well, I am not pretty, I did not go through hard time with him before, I am not competent, so what more do I ask of myself? I am just the least important one. At least he hates her so much that she might be the first in his hating list; at least she is still important that he was willing to chase me out because of her.
What are we both trying to do? What are we both doing?
Once again, I fall for him. I am not sure is that all what I want and I thought of before I came back to Penang, but there is no clarification between what kind of relationship we are having. I try my very best not to find him first till he finds me, and not to ask anything whenever possible. I do not want him to again feel that he has responsibilities or obligations on me, like he said to me. And I really do not want to make him everything a routine. With this said, I am contradicting myself when I am trying to live a don’t care life while I am with him but then I am so afraid something similar is going to happen for the second time.
I do not know what he wants, I have been watching Sex and the City. So many things there in the movie make me think so much. Sometimes I feel that I am like Carrie, of course not in sex, but someone who wanted Mr Big so much, try not to push him or anything for so afraid of losing him. And when he introduced her to his friend as his girlfriend, the kind sweetness, I know. The only different thing about him and Big is that Big does not promise so many girls at a time that he will take care of them but not with him.
Talking about sex, is that what a man wants? Or at least someone like him wants? And I am so humiliated or feel embarrassed when I do not know what I am supposed to do when I am in the bed with him. Then I will start to think of he and other girls and…….. I just don’t know what I am doing right now. Can I really take everything the way it is when I am with him as I thought I can?
27th December 2008
Am I that needy or what? Is it right for me to still go out with him? When I always have to think more compare to before things happened. I have more worries nowadays. It was still fine with me for the past few days. I told myself not to find him first, not to think of we are couples again. But till now, when he gave me a call, then I suddenly feel so scared. I am scared that I can’t really accept what happened. It is like everything he tells me now is lie, I find it hard to believe. I am so sorry Benji, I always wanted to trust in you but it is just so hard nowadays. Let bygone be bygone is one thing, but whatever happened, they happened and they are the fact.
31st December 2008
Never in my life had I dreamt of a guy so many times, good ones initially, but then, now, looks like all the dreams are bad ones. I dreamt of he had breakfast with me, after that I left. Then I went back again to find that he was cooking and eating happily with her and he chased me out. Why would I dream of something like this? And woke up with my heart aching? I thought I can make it through. I thought my feeling on him is no longer the same. I thought I can take it all. But I guess only the winner will take it all. Sadly speaking, I am the loser.
2nd January 2009
He did not spend the last day of 2008 with me, all that came to my mind or I can tell a person is I am always last in his list. I know he might wanna spend the day with his friend and there is nothing wrong about it, it is just that somehow I will expect something from him. Well, he gave me a call on 1st January 2009, sound like he just woke up, and so he told me that he was still in the bed, I was supposed to feel happy because at least he called me once he woke up, but I had to convince myself to believe in that. For I don’t know if he called anyone before that, or…….whatever, I am just such a fool.
Then we spent the 1st January 2009 together. He bought an electrical barbeque grill and that night he made me some pumpkin, jacket potato, hash brown and garlic bread. I am not sure if I am too sensitive or what, but sometimes I feel that he is trying to make things back to the past, just like before anything happened. He placed our photo and the bottle of stars in his room, he hugged me tightly when we sleep, he calls me everyday……..Or maybe he really wanna make things right this time. I am not sure but I hope so.
Today, he woke up to find that he had to attend a friend’s wedding but he totally forgot about it till his friend called. So we had to cancel our hiking at Pantai Keracut and also the barbeque. I know he really needs to attend a wedding but somehow I will still think that he is with other girl. Why is everything had to turn out to be like this? Last time I am always happy before and after I went out with him, but not now. I will start to think of unnecessary things when I came back. I hate myself and it is indeed suffering.
7th January 2009
I was out with Wayne yesterday, we were chatting and we suddenly talk about partner. I said that every girls hopes to find a good pier to stop by. Then Wayne said no matter how good is the pier, everything will be damaged if there is tsunami.
Wayne is so right. I have to plan for myself, for he is not the one who will settle down. He is not going to be my pier, and even if he is or someone in the future is going to be my pier, I have to plan for myself and count on myself. I still do not know who he is, I still do not understand him deeply. I even doubted does he change girls like he changes cars every two to three years? He owned different cars before, just like he had different girls before. He told me that once he drives BMW, he never feels like changing other cars anymore. Am I his BMW? Or I am just his WAJA? Why would I consider myself as WAJA instead of HONDA? Well, I am not pretty, I did not go through hard time with him before, I am not competent, so what more do I ask of myself? I am just the least important one. At least he hates her so much that she might be the first in his hating list; at least she is still important that he was willing to chase me out because of her.
What are we both trying to do? What are we both doing?
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